Some stories

This was copied from the Callaway (Nebraska) Courier:
 The confession

“Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I’ve been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I’m telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing. “The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately.  In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that’s no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies.It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I’ll pay you.”

Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (He is an American!) rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:

“Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway — the darned Auto-Correct changed ‘Wi-Fi’ to ‘wife’. Technology, hey? “Regards, Alan”

* * *

Little Johnny

A teacher asked her sixth grade class how many of them were Hillary Clinton fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary Clinton fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny…

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… Again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not a Hillary Clinton fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Hillary Clinton?”

Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?”

Little Johnny replied, “That would make me a Hillary Clinton fan.”

* * *

Wet paint

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success

whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this).  Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”

The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed.”

* * *

Sayings

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dip’s.  The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.  I live in my own little world, but it’s okay. Everyone knows me here.  I saw a very large woman  wearing a sweatshirt with  “Guess” on it. I said, “Left  Tackle?”

I’m old, and I don’t do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.  I don’t like political jokes. I’ve seen too many get elected.  The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 
  If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

 My Best Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.

 Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

No one ever says, “It’s only a game!” when their team’s winning.

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Marriage changes passion suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn’t need the freakin’ class!

Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

Wouldn’t you know it!  Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.